The High-Five Heard Around the World

Ok I'll admit it. I'm in a singles ward. Shut up. I've come to grow quite fond of it too, though I never thought I would. I used to think it had a lot to do with the interaction of people my age, being around people that are at the same point in life. I also used to think it had a lot to do with the maturity level of the group. Perhaps it was the pot luck meals every other week, or even the cute girl sitting across the chapel that I didn't dare go talk to.

I was wrong.

Even though those are all things that make the experience more enjoyable, I'd have to say one of my favorite parts about being in a singles ward (or at least my singles ward) is watching the socially awkward moments people have. Now I don't say that to be mean. Face it, we all have those moments (granted, some more than others), but I can usually find something comical to watch each week. It's not the end of the world when it happens. Nevertheless, when you get the nerve to finally ask that amazingly beautiful girl for her phone number and trip on your shoelace as you're walking over to talk to her...I hope I'm there to watch. Not to be mean, just to enjoy the moment, because in the future such a trivial event will have no meaning other than to make us smile.

That being said I've had plenty of socially awkward moments of my own, so I figure it's only fair if I share some of them with you. I used to have the mindset that my "life is a tale told by an idiot", a line fondly taken from Shakespeare's Macbeth. I've since realized two things. If my life really were to be written by an idiot, since I have control over my life, I am that idiot. Secondly, we all have had our awkward moments, and know we will have many in the future. Perhaps we're all idiots telling our own story and some just have better memories or are better storytellers than others. Either way the following story is deserving of such a lengthy introduction as I get asked to tell it to just about everybody I meet. I don't know if I've ever felt as awkward, and know I'll try hard as heck to make sure I don't make the same mistake again. It's the story of "the high-five heard around the world", or simply "the high-five story". It is completely true too, which makes it all that more sad.

Dances in high school fit into one of two categories for a student. Either you're excited to go, or you could care less. Surprisingly I found myself on the more excited side of the fence and was planning on having a blast. Now, I'm not claiming by any means to understand the female mind. To do so would be a scientific accomplishment beyond our years. However, I do imagine that guys and girls are excited for such social events for different reasons. Girls probably get excited about the cute dress they're going to wear, what colors they're going use, or how they're going to do their hair. Guys' excitement can be contained in one word. I don't even have to give you a clue. "girls". I of course was excited for this too, and I feel I had good reason. After all, Felicia (names have most definitely been changed) was one of the cutest girls I had any association with in high school. To this day I don't remember how I asked her out, just that it was unreasonably complex (as was the style at the time), and that she agreed to go with me.

Amidst conversations with friends at school we founded our group for the day date. I think there was probably around 12 of us. For the most part I remember it being a fantastic date. We danced, got our pictures taken (they still look good to this day), even went back to Parker's house to watch a movie afterwards. The date was great. Dropping her off? Not so much.


I drove that night, so it was me and Felicia in the front with Parker and his date in the back. I can still picture it in my head right now, cruising down 5400 S. in my '87 Maroon Corsica. That car needs an article of it's own. It was set up with a candy dispenser, spring-loaded doors, and lawn mower handle handles. Pimpin'.


We pulled into Felicia's neighborhood. It made sense to drop her off first since it was on the way. Her porch was covered in green turf, you couldn't miss it. I pulled part way into her driveway when suddenly I felt a big throb in my heart. I'd consider it normal for a guy to be a bit shy or nervous around a cute girl, especially the anticipation leading up to any interaction with them, but usually that subsides after spending 15 minutes with them, let alone 6 hours or so. So to have this sudden onslaught of butterfly stomach and accelerated heart beat didn't make any sense. I slowly got out of my car and walked to open her door and let her out. I took a quick glance in Parker direction whose face had a sinisterish evil look...not like he was going to do something, but as if he knew I'd look like an idiot all on my own. It only added to my nervousness.

As she was getting out of the car I looked over my shoulder to see her porch. There it was. Nothing unordinary or nothing askew. Just four normal steps covered in that green turf and an incandecent bulb to light the way. Why did I get so nervous? Was it the food I ate? Am I gonna spew all over her driveway, or her porch, or worse...her? No. Physically I was fine. She's out of the car by now and we're slowly making our way to her front door. I'm carrying leftovers from dinner, she has her purse. Back in Parker's direction. Now he has more of a snickering look as he whispers something to his date that I can't quite make out. His date starts to laugh. For those of you in an older generation I could have sworn the dog from duck hunt that pops up when you miss was there laughing at me too. Were they talking about me? Was it something I did, or was going to do?

By now we're heading up the stairs. I hand her the leftovers as she immediately puts it on the ground with her purse. What does this mean? Suddenly I realized why I was so nervous. How much of a move was I going to make? I'd taken Felicia out a few times before, but never anything serious, more of just having fun with a friend. Was I going to try and change that? I looked at her food on the ground, it didn't look like it was in any hurry to get inside. Parker and his date were still having a great time observing my obvious uncomfort. Then Felicia pulls out her keys. Now if you've seen Will Smith in "Hitch" you'll know you can judge a girl by what she does with her keys...does she put in the door as a quick escape from the porch scene? Or does she jingle them as if to say, "hey, I'm in no rush".

I got the jingle.

I didn't know what to do, and I bet I made her a tad uncomfortable by just standing there observing my surroundings. It wasn't blatantly obvious that I felt awkward, but it wasn't exactly hidden like Waldo either (yeah, take a break and click the picture to find Waldo, you know you want to). Parker and his date are still having a great time watching, the food on the ground is happy, Keys are jingling, Felicia is smiling...waiting. Another line from "Hitch", "90 and 10". If I so choose to venture for the porch scene kiss I was only allowed to go 90% of the way...she had to go the remaining 10%. By now my nerves are stacked up like a tower of jenga blocks ready to tumble at the slightest prod.

Everything must have come crashing down pretty hard, something must have snapped, because all of my previous thoughts had to have occurred in about 10 seconds or so...then nothing. Blank.

I don't know why I did what I did next, it really didn't make any sense. Did I force a kiss to ultimately get rejected? No. Did I go for a hug despite the obvious awkwardness? No. Did I go for the least of all known social interactions at the end of date and shake her hand goodnight? No, not even that...much worse. A high five. My held high in the air waiting for hers. The confused look on her face could only have been topped by mine. Of all the options I had available, of all the things at my disposal, why a high five? If ever I felt like my life was a story being told by an idiot, it was then.

She gave me the high five with a clap that was heard around the world. I imagine it must have been quite painful to watch for as I slowly turned to retreat back to my car Parker and his date were no longer laughing. Only a stern look of shock. Felicia, obviously confounded by the events that had just transpired, now worked her way back into her house. I walked the green mile back to my car along her turf covered porch.

Nothing was said in the car. A moment of silence for my manhood. Parker dropped his date off. Of course after seeing what I had just done he wasn't going to make the same mistake. As he got back into my car we started our ritualistic post date chat. You know, kinda like Jerry and George on Seinfeld. We were trying to figure out why I choked...I mean, not even a hug? Sadness. We came to no conclusion, but Parker decided it'd be best to never speak of that night again. I concurred.

Honestly I was over it that night thinking, "well that sucked, but oh well...such is life" right? It wasn't until six months later that we realized the true damage of that night's events. One of our friends (just so happened to be Parker's date from earlier) was getting ready to leave for college, moving away from our crowd. She went around our group giving everybody a big hug. She got to Parker and me, and I'll never forget what I heard next. "Oh Parker and Cody, I'm going to miss you guys, but I'll give you a high five because I know you don't like hugs". I couldn't believe it, I was in no way not a fan of hugs. In fact, I like hugs. Who doesn't? I tried to figure out where she would have thought of such a random falsity. At that moment Parker and I realized where it had come from. The high-five night. Somehow my fumbling idiocy was portrayed as a disinterest for physical contact. What's worse, the fallacy encompassed Parker as well and we were both left with weakened reputations, at least until things got straightened out.

It's long been fixed since that fateful night, but I know I'll never forget it. The next time you see me and give me a high five, I bet you start laughing. It's happened before. ;)

Update:

So the other night I went to a friend's show in Provo at the Velour. Felicia was there. I was reminded of this story and ventured to ask if she remembered that fateful night on her porch...she didn't. Oh well...